Book 650: We Are Lost And Found – Helene Dunbar

This was an achingly beautiful book and I’m glad I stumbled across it after I saw someone else had read it. I can’t find the blog where I first read about it, but if it’s you let me know and I’ll add a link to your review! It took a while for my local library to get it, but because it’s a sleeper/quite book I was able to keep it for two check out periods and actually absorb it.

Set in NYC in the early-1980s We are Lost and Found takes a look at one teen’s coming out and coming of age (sort of—it’s only a year) as the AIDS crisis begins to unfold. There were some parts that I wasn’t a fan of (hello to my old nemesis, no quotation marks) and for some reason Part 2 really dragged for me—it took me two weeks to read that portion, but Parts 1 and 3 I read at a lightning pace.

One sentence really seems to highlight Michael’s thoughts as the book progresses,

“At the moment, a gun would cause less panic in New York City than a gay boy bleeding.” (190)

He has this though before I think it really hits home to him how serious that thought it is and how much he actually believes it. Only 16, the protagonist is exploring his own identity in the wake of his brother being kicked out of the house after exploding out of the closet, as he’s preparing to enter high school, and has his friend group is evolving, all while he’s growing up in New York City where he has a lot more freedoms than some people and a lot less than others. I mean we all go through rough teen years, but this is a lot to take in and process I can’t even imagine living it.

The story explores Michael’s first love, his first sexual experience, the way in which he acts with his family and his friends, and how those are all intricately entwined. There was no one piece that stood out for me more than the fact that love and lust in the early days of AIDS must’ve been incredibly difficult and confusing. I really appreciated the afterwards by Ron Goldberg and Jeremiah Johnson and Jason Walker, and I almost wish they would’ve been included as forwards instead. They provide so much additional insight and depth to what is already a deep and profound coming of age story.

Dunbar did a wonderful job of writing teenagers at a point in their lives where, even if they aren’t questioning their sexuality or place in the world, they’re questioning their changing relationships with their family and friends.

“So, even though I’m hopped-up on caffeine and exhaustion, I find a way to keep my mouth shut. I’m sad that we’re starting to keep secrets from each other and have to wonder what James and Becky are saying about me when I’m not there.” (126)

Reading this one line brought so much of high school flooding back to me. It wasn’t a horrible experience for me, it was kind of a non-experience, but I remember when our friend groups started to grow apart not because of anything people did, we just grew apart and that was such a new and difficult experience and then Michael’s official coming out reminded me a good bit of how when I was in undergrad I had a poem published in the undergraduate LGBT literary magazine and just sort of waited for people to find it. An uncle did but that was it, Michael’s was more public and had much more of a splash, but wasn’t as explosive as his brothers.

Recommendation: Worth the read. I think it will read very slow or very fast depending on who you are and what you’re interested in. As much as I don’t like it when authors don’t use quotation marks, it wasn’t too difficult in this book.  Dunbar has a way with language and the vignettes she uses to tell the story are like snapshots of a flash point year in one young gay teen’s life. I was incredibly thankful that she didn’t include an epilogue, but instead included an afterward by someone with personal experience of NYC during this time period and a couple of activists still working in NYC and within AIDS groups.

Opening Line: “On the last day before Christmas break, Mr. Solomon hands out a bunch of sharpened number two pencils with a stack of Xeroxed sheets.”

Closing Line: “But I’m going to own my fear. Own my voice. Own my love. Own my life. And I’m not giving any of them up without a fight.” (Whited out to avoid spoilers, highlight to read.)

Additional quotes from We are Lost and Found
“I watch the guy strip off his wet coat and clothes. The alcohol and pot have dulled my reflexes, and my gaze lingers on his abs long enough that James has to cough to get my attention.” (10)

“I once tried to explain to him how time stretches and retracts on the dance floor. how you can lose yourself in the overlapping beats as one song bleeds into another, and you can almost ride the lights as they swirl and spin, and the smoke of the dry ice mixes with the heady scent of cloves and who knows what else until you’re someplace different altogether.” (25)

“Is this what Connor felt for Tony? This rush and hum that takes over my whole body when I even think of him? Is this why my brother did the loudest, the most public thing he could think of for a relationship he knew probably wasn’t going to last? Because he couldn’t hide the enormity of it anymore? Because it was so unfair that he’d even have to try?” (73)