Book 887: If This Gets Out – Sophie Gonzales & Cale Dietrich

My little closeted teenage heart would’ve died to read something like this in the late-90s/early-00s. So, when I saw it on NetGalley I requested it IMMEDIATELY, the publisher approved, and I have been sitting on it for months.*

I know I’ve said it before and I’ll keep on saying it—I am SO jealous of all the teens today getting to see themselves in books like this. I mean hell I enjoy them and I am WELL outside the target demographic for these.

This is the story of Zach and Ruben or “Zuben” and I am here for it. It was so freakin’ adorable and wonderful and everything I needed after slogging through James Joyce and a couple of MM Holiday Romance duds.

I’ve always wanted Zach to kiss me, I think. But I never thought he would. So, I kept it locked in a chest in the back of my mind. The place I hid things I knew would only hurt me.

I never meant to unlock it. (Chapter 5)

Take any boy band you want and place them in this story and you’ve got it tailor made for you. Seriously, I remember having the biggest crush on Lance Bass because he was the quiet one in N’SYNC and then decades he came out and I felt 100% validated. I never shipped him with anyone because he was pure and perfect (I mean I did grow up in the south :-D).

Where I didn’t enjoy the book, because you weren’t supposed to, was how controlling and manipulative the management company was. We hear the stories and the tabloids cover it, but it didn’t make it any more fun to read it and live it vicariously through Zach, Ruben, Jon and Angel.

The thing about your dreams coming true is that, for a gold-spun moment, you catch a glimpse of what life could be like for you. Then when you lose it, and you crash back to reality, it’s from such a great height all you can do is lie there, winded and bruised, while you come to terms with the idea that a happiness like that isn’t meant for you. (Chapter 7)

I really liked that the book was real and didn’t sugarcoat any parts. From the drug addiction and forced closeting to the sex and anxiety, I had visceral responses to so many parts of the book. Seriously though, the writing around Zach and coming to terms with his bisexuality was so incredibly well written and gut wrenching. It immediately transported me back to when I first started coming to terms with my sexuality and started to actually say the words to people. So kudos to the authors for really bringing that part to life. And when you add in the descriptions about Zach’s up-bringing like this one

That’s the thing about being poor, it never really leaves you. I still weigh the worth of every dollar, even though I don’t need to do that anymore. My first impulse is to get the cheapest thing available because it’s just the same. I remember wanting new clothes or a video game or even something from a coffee shop but having them be off-limits because they cost too much. Even if I did get them, guilt always followed. (Chapter 22)

100% yes. I grew up without a lot of money and even though I’ve been an adult with a decent job/salary for so many years now I still live this. Even though I’ve gotten less intense about every dollar, but it’s still there and I can tell you where every dollar goes. I know I’ve gotten a little less stressed about buying things for myself every now and then (oh hey expensive yarn related hobbies), but even when I do I’m like OMG I never could’ve done this before.

Once you’ve learned shame, it settles into your skin like a tattoo. You can cover it up but you can’t scrub off the sense of inadequacy. (Chapter 9)

The part that tore at me the most and legit brought me to tears was when Zach and Ruben came out. The fact that their bandmates supported them and the fans supported them even when their management was THE. WORST. just made me love it that much more. I was so glad we experienced the scene from Ruben’s point of view after all of his concerns around Zach and when Zach took the mic, I was floored and legit would’ve sobbed if I were alone it was just the perfect tension release.

I’m not sold on the ending because it was a happy for now with a hopeful future, but I get why they did it. I would’ve preferred a year later them on top of the charts and getting to secretly visit all the places in Europe they didn’t get to visit, but honestly it could’ve also ruined the book. Gonzales and Dietrich choosing to keep the story on the precipice of what’s next left me wanting more instead of disappointing me with a lackluster epilogue.

Recommendation: OMG YES, YES, YES! I loved the journey and could’ve read another 100 pages easily. From #Anjon to #Zuben I am here for this novel. The only thing I can say is I wish it would’ve come out years and years ago when I was a little closeted teen not-so-secretly loving the height of BSB, NSCYNC, B2K, 98 Degrees, O-Town and general boy band/girl group craze. The writing was seamless between Gonzales and Dietrich and made me want to seek out the other book by Dietrich I haven’t read yet.

*I received a copy of If This Gest Out from the publisher via NetGalley in return for my honest opinion. No goods or money were exchanged.

Opening Line: “Almost plummeting to my death before a stadium full of screaming people is a warning sign, in an endless parade of warning signs lately, that I need more sleep.”

Closing Line: “It’s not going to be okay or good. It’s going to be great.” (Whited out to avoid spoilers, highlight to read.)