Book 335: A Gronking To Remember- Lacey Noonan

There are no words for how bad this book is. Goodreads should allow a 0 star rating. Leaving it unrated is not enough, I want to acknowledge that I read it and gave it 0 out of 5 stars. I am glad a friend purchased this for all of us to enjoy, but as I say at the end of the post the ONLY way I would recommend it is if you can get it for free and to read it as an example of what not to do in any sort of writing situation.

From the premise to the writing there is little, if anything, redeeming about the book.* I knew going into it that it would have no literary merit, but I hoped it would be written well and if not at least contain decent erotica. It was not and it did not. And this has nothing to do with the lack of gay subject matter, because that already exists.

When people talk about the perils of self-publishing in the future I hope they hold up this book as an example. There was no editing (copy or otherwise), there is no way there was feedback given because anyone who can read at a 5th grade level would tell you this is poorly written. Add in that the vocabulary has the depth and creativity of a 5th grader, I lost count of how many adjectives she threw in front of words, the most I remember is nine with four including multi-hyphenations. Hell a 5th grader could probably write better erotica than this too.

I’m still trying to figure out how an author (I use the term very loosely), who uses a word like ubiquitous in an interview with Slate The XX Factor and who had the wherewithal to make this Patriots inspired fan-fiction as the Patriots drew closer to the super-bowl could release it into the world. (I won’t even call it writing – Shakespeare’s monkeys could do better than this [Wikipedia link].) I can’t decide if Noonan, obviously a pseudonym for someone intelligent enough not to publish erotica under their given name, is incredibly smart or absolutely oblivious.

There is no reason to discuss the story as there was none. The end is so far beyond ridiculous I had no idea how to respond other than to shut the book and think this isn’t even worth the sexism and misogyny that got us there. These 60 or so pages stapled together were almost enough to make me want to sit through E.L. James’ Shades of Grey trilogy to see if she is a better writer than Noonan, but I’ve been tortured enough this year.

*The ONLY redeeming qualities about the book was the passing reference to Yarnia, a characters sewing area, and how I couldn’t help reading portions out loud in the bar because of how bad the descriptions and writing as a whole were. I also almost fell apart reading the description of the next novel with a character named Chad who has a man cave called “Chadmiral’s Quarters.” You can’t make this shit up.

Recommendation: IF and ONLY IF you can get a hold of a copy without having to give any money to anyone, it’s worth looking at as a prime example of what not to do when you write anything, regardless of purpose or genre. It will make you question your sanity, your IQ and your faith in humanity. And if it gets you off, please don’t tell anyone especially not me as we probably shouldn’t be friends any longer.

Opening Line: “I’ll never forget the first time I saw Gronk spike a football.”

Closing Line: “It was truly a Gronking to remember.” (Whited out.)